Feeling invisible after 50? You are not gone

I remember the exact café. I was sitting with my sister for her birthday, and the waiter took her order, then the order of the young man at the next table, and then he simply… walked away. He had looked straight past me. As if I were a coat on a chair.

Maybe this has happened to you too. In shops, in meetings, at the doctor’s. Around fifty, many women say the world quietly stops looking at them.

It hurts. It is allowed to hurt.

Being unseen by them is not the same as being gone.

What is really happening

Part of it is the world. It notices youth, and it is lazy about everybody else. Part of it, if we are honest, is us. After years of looking after everyone, many of us have made ourselves small. We wait. We let others go first. We apologise for asking.

The first part we cannot change today. The second part, we can.

Small ways to take up space again

• Order your own drink. Out loud. First. Before anyone else at the table. It feels strange the first time. By the third time, it feels like you.
• Stand like you belong there. Feet on the floor, shoulders down, one slow breath out. Your body tells your mind what to feel.
• Wear one thing you love. Not for them. For you. For me it is a green shawl I have had for twenty years.
• Say your name when you introduce yourself. Clearly, and without hurry.

An anchor for being seen

Close your eyes and remember a time when you felt fully seen. Someone listened to every word. Or you said something, and the room went quiet. Feel it again. When it is strongest, press your thumb and index finger together. Breathe out.

Before the next meeting or the next café, press them together again. You are taking that woman in with you.

If feeling unseen has turned into feeling low most days, please talk to someone, a friend or your doctor. You deserve to be heard.